SEEK THY SERVANT

Bye Bye Gina

So remember Gina from the previous post?

BEFORE:

AFTER:

HELLO BETTY!

Ha, yes believe it or not, I have before and after shots for Betty too....

BEFORE:

She’s a little ugly (Ugly Betty)

But she’s still hot (Clueless – Betty (adjective) a hot chick)

AFTER: (Yes, this chick hit my parked car a week after I bought and financed it myself...)

So, the million dollar question happens to be: WHAT AM I MISSING HERE?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?! I mean granted, Betty didn't blow up, but really, God what are you telling me?

P.S. I’ve also dreamed two nights in a row that I was pregnant and gave birth… two nights ago it was by natural birth, and last night it was by C-section. So second question: What in the world does that mean?!?

Come to Me

So taking this completely out of context, I really hope that the first will be the last and the last will be the first. Which verse is the most important, the first or the last in the famous Psalm 119?

Psalm 119:1
Blessed are the undefiled in the way, who walk in the law of the LORD.

Psalm 119:176
I have gone astray like a lost sheep; seek thy servant; for I do not forget thy commandments.

There really is a fine line between doing your best for God (Psalm 119:1) realizing that your best will never be enough, whether or not you choose to see it. Since I had last written, many a thing has happened to me in my life, including buying a new computer, buying a new car, having a lady slam into my new car a week later, two or three shifts in what could be labeled a “love life” but really it’s just my sad little attempt at overcoming my fear of commitment and battling the winter blues that have happened to me annually since I’ve moved from the Southwest to this God-forsaken part of the country. In the past three weeks, my prayer life and my quiet time with God has been in shambles, and I had yet again broken my commitment to God. How far and how deep really is the grace of God? He, the holiest of holies, came as dirt to the earth and died in poverty for my sin, yes, I am His daughter. I have gone astray like a lost sheep… seek thy servant O LORD… for I do not forget Thy commandments unto me. But really, we can get down on ourselves or have others do it for us, but when it’s all said and done, only God can change us. Ha, His Word said it best…

Isaiah 64:6
But we are all as an unclean thing, and all our righteousnesses are as filthy rags; and we all do fade as a leaf; and our iniquities, like the wind, have taken us away.

But really, when I get to this point in my life, one of the things I am most grateful for is that He disciplines me, which makes me know that I am His daughter. In the five years that I thought that I was saved between the 15th and 20th years of my life, well I look back on those years and I realize that there was no spiritual growth, no agonizing as God refines me…

Proverb 17:3

The refining pot is for silver, and the furnace for gold: but the LORD trieth the hearts.

The more I live this life as a redeemed child of God, the more I see that there is a lot left of me that is imperfect, that I will live my life to mess it up, because that’s all I, my flesh, knows to do. Thank God through Jesus Christ that He works on me and continues to want to use me… despite of me.

Romans 7:14-25
For we know that the law is spiritual: but I am carnal, sold under sin. For that which I do I
allow not: for what I would, that do I not; but what I hate, that do I. If then I do that which I would not, I consent unto the law that it is good. Now then it is no more I that do it, but sin
that dwelleth in me. For I know that in me (that is, in my flesh,) dwelleth no good thing: for to will is present with me; but how to perform that which is good I find not. For the good that I
would I do not: but the evil which I would not, that I do. Now if I do that I would not, it is no
more I that do it, but sin that dwelleth in me. I find then a law, that, when I would do good,
evil is present with me. For I delight in the law of God after the inward man: But I see another law in my members, warring against the law of my mind, and bringing me into captivity to the law of sin which is in my members. O wretched man that I am! who shall deliver me from the body of this death? I thank God through Jesus Christ our Lord. So then with the mind I myself serve the law of God; but with the flesh the law of sin.

So here is what I find at the end of all of this reflection:

Do I really want to get there? I can right now. The questions that truly matter in life are remarkably few, and they are all answered by these words— "Come to
Me." Our Lord’s words are not, "Do this, or don’t do that," but— "Come to me." If I will simply come to Jesus, my real life will be brought into harmony with my real desires. I will actually cease from sin, and will find the song of the Lord beginning in my life.

-- Oswald Chambers

But even when I am so messed up that I don’t know how to come to God… and if all that’s left of me is my pitiful cry for Him to seek me and find me, He’d do it, wouldn’t He?

A Woman's Worth

So when Ms. Keys first spoke these words, she was speaking of a woman's worth in the eyes of a man...




But I want to cry as these thoughts go from bouncing around my mind all day and transfers over to 12-point courier font running across the computer screen.

It's a nice thought, but can a real man ever really know a woman's worth? NOPE... because really and truly, only God can.

Put it like this... NEAR-DEATH EXPERIENCES PUTS THINGS INTO PERSPECTIVE...

1. Sigh... I got a preview of the Apocalypse the night before Thanksgiving. God in His grace spared my life... literally.... pictures of my car to come.
2. How can you tell a woman how much she's worth when a man won't tell her and she's unable to tell herself? I am reminded of how much I can't wait for the misery on this planet is over when last night this dude beating the $*!# out of this chick in front of all of us... he was born to deal it and she was bred to take it. Who can tell that girl how much she's worth when no one told her when she was innocent and the Holy Spirt that tries to tell her sounds like a lie to her heart?
3. I SUCK because God got tired of my backsliding ways and He has to put me through an awful car wreck to get my attention
4. I cannot be a slave to anyone on earth. I spend all this time telling people and showing people how much I love them. I focus more on my horizontal relationships that it wrecks havoc on my Vertical relationship, rendering it almost useless. My relationship with God is the only one that really matters.
5. I need to cut certain things and certain people off.... and I'm always more concerned of how it will make them feel that it ends up damaging me. I simply can't let the negativity and the people around me quench the Spirit inside of me.

Maybe... just maybe... this time it will be different. I know I'm not THAT off track because God didn't take me. He gave me length of days and I still have the potential to finish the purpose that God gave me on earth (whatever that is). But maybe... just maybe... I'll one day be disciplined enough to where I can make the right decisions on my own without God's loving hand punishing me to open my blind eyes.

I wrote this last week... and it seems apropriate to share it now...

Slave to my emotion

Slave to my pain

Slave to the world and all He's called vain

Slave to he

Slave to she

Slave to most all of everyone...

me

See cuz...

My enemy has my eyes

I cry like she cries

Those big crocodile tears

To cover up them fears

Or should I say fear...

Singular fear:

To let go of the dear,

Precious

Weight of the flesh.



Can flesh be redeemed?

Can she be redeemed?

Can I be redeemed?



See but...

If flesh is she and

She is I:

Then who can save me from this

Servitude of mine?

My chains weigh unshakable

My despair stays unbreakable

My wounds so self-inflicted...

Untakeable

O wretched [wo]man

that I am!

Who shall deliver me from

the body of this

death?


I thank

God

through

Jesus Christ

our Lord.

It's not exactly done... but it's really appropriate for now. A woman's worth? It's really nothing outside of the only One that is Worthy.

So I ran across one of my favorite songs...

Brandy's Almost Doesn't Count is definately on my top twenty list of songs that I love... and I ran across it today =)


Sooo here's something beautifully old...




Something brand new...




Something conceptionally barrowed...




And something for feelin' blue...

Pen Name

So I have roughly fashioned a pen name for myself... seeing that I'm beginning to explore the realm of writing... and poetry... and spoken word...

It's "TekelA Pneuma"

In class over the weekend, we were studying the highlights of the book of Daniel. In reference to the famous "Writing on the Wall," Daniel 5:25 "And this is the writing that was written, MENE, MENE, TEKEL, UPHARSIN."

So "TEKEL" kinda looked like "Tk" and then further down was the translation of the word in Daniel 5:27 "TEKEL; Thou art weighed in the balances, and art found wanting. "

H8625
תּקל
teqal
tek-al'
(Chaldee); corresponding to H8254; to balance: - Tekel, be weighed.

"Tekel" is a reminder for me of who I was before Christ, and who I am when I forget my position in Him.

Then there's "pneuma," the Greek word for the concept that I've been obsessed with for a while now.... the idea that in Greek, the word for breath and the word for Spirit is one in the same...

"A" is the Spanish prepostion for "to"... of course I had to throw in a little Spanish in there... it is after all my heart language =) So I've come from being found wanting to (a)......

G4151
πνεῦμα
pneuma
pnyoo'-mah
From G4154; a current of air, that is, breath (blast) or a breeze; by analogy or figuratively a spirit, that is, (human) the rational soul, (by implication) vital principle, mental disposition, etc., or (superhuman) an angel, daemon, or (divine) God, Christ’s spirit, the Holy spirit: - ghost, life, spirit (-ual, -ually), mind. Compare G5590.

"Pneuma" is a reminder of who I am now. Galatians 5:16 "This I say then, Walk in the Spirit, and ye shall not fulfil the lust of the flesh."

The SPARK that Makes My Ideas Bright

Sooooo I LOVE me some Boondocks... even though it can be a little on the sketch side... lol...





The theme song by Asheru is one of my favorite songs... you MUST listen to it before you read on =)

Here are the lyrics, with my own "exposé" of sorts on why this song is really quiet amazing to me...


I AM (Exodus 3:14a)
"And God said unto Moses, I AM THAT I AM"

The Stone that the builders refused (Matthew 21:42)
"Jesus saith unto them, Did ye never read in the scriptures, The stone which the builders rejected, the same is become the head of the corner: this is the Lord's doing, and it is marvellous in our eyes?"

I AM the visual (Habakuk 2:2-3)
"And the LORD answered me, and said, Write the vision, and make it plain upon tables, that he may run that readeth it. For the vision is yet for an appointed time, but at the end it shall speak, and not lie: though it tarry, wait for it; because it will surely come, it will not tarry."

The inspiration (2 Timothy 3:16)
"All scripture is given by inspiration of God, and is profitable for doctrine, for reproof, for correction, for instruction in righteousness"

That made the ladies sing (Judges 5:1-3) the blues
"Then sang Deborah and Barak the son of Abinoam on that day, saying, Praise ye the LORD for the avenging of Israel, when the people willingly offered themselves. Hear, O ye kings; give ear, O ye princes; I, even I, will sing unto the LORD; I will sing praise to the LORD God of Israel."

I AM the spark (Isaiah 1:31)
"And the strong shall be as tow, and the maker of it as a spark, and they shall both burn together, and none shall quench them."

That makes your idea bright (Revelation 22:16)
"I Jesus have sent mine angel to testify unto you these things in the churches. I am the root and the offspring of David, and the bright and morning star."

The same spark that lights the dark (1 John 1:5b)
"God is light, and in him is no darkness at all."

So that you can know your left from your right (Jonah 4:11)
"And should not I spare Nineveh, that great city, wherein are more than sixscore thousand persons that cannot discern between their right hand and their left hand; and also much cattle?"

I am the ballot in your box

The bullet in the gun

The inner glow (Ezekial 43:5)
"So the spirit took me up, and brought me into the inner court; and, behold, the glory of the LORD filled the house."

That lets you know (Proverbs 2:6)
"For the LORD giveth wisdom: out of his mouth cometh knowledge and understanding."

To call your brother Son (Romans 8:15-18)
"For ye have not received the spirit of bondage again to fear; but ye have received the Spirit of adoption, whereby we cry, Abba, Father. The Spirit itself beareth witness with our spirit, that we are the children of God: And if children, then heirs; heirs of God, and joint-heirs with Christ; if so be that we suffer with him, that we may be also glorified together. For I reckon that the sufferings of this present time are not worthy to be compared with the glory which shall be revealed in us."

The story that just begun (Revelation 1:8)
"I am Alpha and Omega, the beginning and the ending, saith the Lord, which is, and which was, and which is to come, the Almighty."

The promise of what's to come (2 Peter 3:13)
"Nevertheless we, according to his promise, look for new heavens and a new earth, wherein dwelleth righteousness."

And I'm 'a remain a soldier (2 Timothy 2:3-4)
"Thou therefore endure hardness, as a good soldier of Jesus Christ. No man that warreth entangleth himself with the affairs of this life; that he may please him who hath chosen him to be a soldier."

Till the war is won (2 Chronicles 20:15b)
"Thus saith the Lord unto you, Be not afraid nor dismayed by reason of this great multitude; for the battle is not yours, but God's."


Pretty much pretty awesome... =)

Salsa Competition Round One Over!

Today was my Uni’s birthday! (Uni = big sister in Korean). It was pretty fun =)


Who Gave Us Grace for Movement: And breath for life…

So here is what I wrote to the people who were invited to our salsa competition last night:


Subject: So how did Toy & Tk do in the competition?!?!

Hey guys!!

Toy and I would really like to THANK YOU for all the love and support that we’ve received from all of you this past week, whether you all were there last night cheering us on or with us in spirit. The competition was last night, and it was a long and difficult and awesome and edifying experience… and we placed FIRST in our round last night! We are for now tied for second place in the overall standings!

AND WE WOULD LIKE TO GIVE A HUGE SHOUT OUT TO:

1) Kenny DeCoursey: He did an AMAZING JOB with our music. The people went CRAZY when the song switched up from La Pantera Mambo to the Impacto Remix. If any of you need any work done with music, go holla at our boy!!! He’s very good =)

2) Josh Hernandez: We could not have asked for a better coach! He has SOOOOOOOOOOO much knowledge about dance and salsa. Go take a lesson from him in salsa, swing, or ballroom!! We highly recommend him to anybody =)

3) The LORD JESUS CHRIST: who gave us grace for movement and breath for life. Whether or not we got first or were eliminated last night, what He has taught Toy and I in the process we pray will only go to glorify His name and further His kingdom. We are nothing without Him and He is everything to us. "O taste and see that the Lord is good: blessed is the man that trusteth in him." - Psalm 34:8

Thanks again for the support!!!

Turn Your Eyes Upon Jesus

Turn your eyes upon Jesus,
Look full in His wonderful face,
And the things of earth will grow strangely dim,
In the light of His glory and grace.

Nothing left?: Better said than done.

One of the lessons that I learned on the European Discoveries trip was that there was nothing left for me on this earth. Wow… better said than done. Does everything have to be learned over and over and over and over and over and over again in the mind before it finally penetrates to the heart?

My Worst Enemy: She’s looking right at me.

Probably one of the things that I will remember from Greg Axe’s Survey of the Old Testament class is that my worse enemy is also someone that I adore way too much. She is beautiful, and moody, and lovely, and selfish. She is temperamental, but one of her best qualities is her smile. She is kind and backstabbing, full of knowledge and empty of wisdom. She is humble to the eyes but is disgustingly prideful in the heart. My worse enemy is my best friend. My worst enemy is me.

Don't Waste Your Life!!!

Laboring Into Rest: From backsliding whore to a heart of obedience

So tonight was quiet interesting. Instead of practicing for our competition tomorrow, we ended up praying… And I prayed what was on my heart… namely that everything is #&$@!* in comparison to what the Father wants… including salsa dancing, which has everything to do with my flesh, and besides my guilty conscious, has nothing to do with glorifying God or being completely satisfied in Him. Who’s going to care in heaven and in hell if we come in first tomorrow or if we’re eliminated? It’s not going to matter.

It’s not going to matter at all.

Also, it was again pointed out to me that bearing fruit has not been happening in my life because I’m not connected to the Source in anything that I do lately here.

God… save me from myself.

All in all, I’ve got two things from tonight that I want to remember… the two things that God is teaching me now:

1. Obedience is key
2. I must labor into rest (Hebrews 4:11)

Hebrews 4:9-16
9. There remaineth therefore a rest to the people of God. 10. For he that is entered into his rest, he also hath ceased from his own works, as God did from his. 11. Let us labour therefore to enter into that rest, lest any man fall after the same example of unbelief. 12. For the word of God is quick, and powerful, and sharper than any twoedged sword, piercing even to the dividing asunder of soul and spirit, and of the joints and marrow, and is a discerner of the thoughts and intents of the heart. 13. Neither is there any creature that is not manifest in his sight: but all things are naked and opened unto the eyes of him with whom we have to do. 14. Seeing then that we have a great high priest, that is passed into the heavens, Jesus the Son of God, let us hold fast our profession. 15. For we have not an high priest which cannot be touched with the feeling of our infirmities; but was in all points tempted like as we are, yet without sin. 16. Let us
therefore come boldly unto the throne of grace, that we may obtain mercy, and find grace to help in time of need.

So probably my favorite section of Scripture for a good while from now on…. Thank you Holy Spirit for putting it on my heart.

My first Salsa Competition mixed in with old friends...

So keeping up with this blog thing is hard! But I must remember that I have to remember.


God's Grace: I wasn't roadkill this morning!

God was gracious to me this morning because this huge truck carrying a bunch of stuff in my left hand lane had something HUGE fall out of his truck and come straight my way. Using my cat-like reflexes, I was able to swerve out of the way before the thing hit be into my left hand lane. Thank the Lord that there was no one in the lane because I would have CREAMED them! I love my car too... I couldn't stand for it to be damaged again.. lol...

Isn't she beautiful? Last October when I hit the deer, she wasn't completely totaled, but it ended up being around $8,000 in damage =O


SaLsA saLsA: I have a FAMOUS grandfather =)

So Toy and I are in our first competition this Thursday! How exciting =) I hope that we do well! It's certainly been a journey for us to get this far... but in the end of it all, I learned to communicate better... and we are the "grandchildren" of Pierre Dulaine...

Who of course, was immortalized in film by Antonio Banderas in Take the Lead


So we are his "grandchildren" in dance because our coach was coached by him... how exciting =)


Old Friends Return: New best friend in my life?

So finally.... old friends have been coming back in my life and I'm enjoying it. Someone that I was once very close to has come back into my life... with a little hesitation because we had a falling out of sorts. I'm glad that we're talking again and I want for us to be in each other's lives.... life is soooooooooooooooo good with good friends... it really makes life so much more great =)



Well... hopefully I'll be better at keeping up this blog! Besitos para todos =)

Journey: Becoming More Girly

What? : Tk has a purse?!?

So I'm not sure why this is happening, but I'm increasingly becoming more "girly." For one, I've began carrying a purse. I realized that the reason why:

1. Men don't loose their keys, cell phone, or wallet is because they almost always have pockets.
2. Women don't because they have purses.
3. I do because I didn't have either.

So I, after much excruciation and thought, invested in this baby blue United Colors of Benetton handbag so I wouldn't lose the new cell phone that I will buy soon... that of course is decked out with an assortment of happy blue flowers...

So having a purse is a good thing because I haven't lost anything since I've gotten it two weeks ago (quiet possibly a new record for me!) Another good thing is that I've begun carrying the Palm that I brought 5 years ago that I never used...

1. I can use my English-Spanish dictionary that I downloaded on it
2. I have a compact planner that I was going to buy to put in it...
3. I'm getting ready to download the KJV Bible on it...
4. AND I fixed the RealPlayer on it so I can listen to Marco Castro's sermons online.

Yay Tungsten E!

But the disturbing aspect of all of this is not that I'm finally lugging around a purse, it's what I've began to put in the purse that counts.

Right now, I've got my M.A.C. Studio Fix compact in NC35

And then my 4.2 fluid ounces of Dream Angels Heavely lotion by Victoria's "Shhh!!"

And my "Prrr" lipgloss again by M.A.C.

And last but not least, my Rimmel eyeliner in 004 Black

and lipliner in 038 Allure...

Horrible!!! For anyone that knew me in college, I

1. Rolled out of bed five minutes before class started
2. Took a brisk run with my heavy backpack
3. And showed up to class in my PJs.

I use to not comb my hair... and now I brought a straigtener so my hear looks great all the time now... I used to wear little to no makeup... I smell all nat-u-ral... and I'm proud of it...

A First for Everything: My first pair of dance shoes

So while I'm at this being girly stuff, I went and brought my first pair of dance shoes.

Now these shoes killed both of my big toes... I have really bad sores on them because the shoes dug in them so bad....

So What in the world is happening to me?? Am I just growing up? How did I start this journey in becoming more girly?

P.S. Please forgive my momentary lapse into materialism. I'm seriously not that materialistic... it's just that I got a lot of shopping done this week... lol =)

You Said Ask

"You Said"
Hillsongs

You said
Ask and you will receive
Whatever you need
You said
Pray and I'll hear from heaven
And I'll heal your land

You said
Your glory will fill the earth
Like water the sea
You said
Lift up your eyes
The harvest is here,
The kingdom is near

You said
Ask and I'll give the nations to you
O Lord, that's the cry of my heart
Distant shores and the islands will see
Your light, as it rises on us

O Lord, I ask for the nations...

I remember the first time I heard this song... and wow... it's still one of those few songs that speaks directly to my core when I hear it. So when God says to us to remember what He has said, what He has done, and to give thanks for it because it is His will in Christ for us (1 Thes. 5:18)... that's got to be for His greater will, because it essentially moves us me out of the picture.

It's no wonder that I do not bear fruit: I do not remember, and I do not understand truly that no good can come from me (Isa. 64:6) The measure of my success is the measure of my surrender.

Heb. 11:6
But without faith it is impossible to please him: for he that cometh to God must believe that he is, and that he is a rewarder of them that diligently seek him.

REMEMBER: Sanctification is the same as salvation: it is of the Lord... I just need to seek Him, to listen when He calls.